Sunday, March 12

Well.... I am just gonna write it all here. I just dont have the energy these days to explain everything over and over.

My life is fucking mess. It is beyond my control but that doesnt make it any easier to swallow.

The last week of November my mother wasnt feeling well and I took her to the doctor. They admitted her immediately because her blood sugar was incredibly high. She was in the hospital for week while they were doing tests and things. She kept complaining of stomach pain so they finally did a scan of her belly and foudn that she had a huge blockage in her colon. After doing a colonoscopy, they discovered it was cancer. The problem was that they needed to operate and remove the blockage, but she was in such bad health that her body wasnt well enough to withstand the surgery. So they spent the next week trying to bring her to the level where they could at least relatively safely operate. Before they could do that her colon ruptured and she coded out....meaning she almost died. They brought her back and put her in intensive care. They had my brother and I make the decision on what to do. We could either let them operate knowing that she more than likely would not survive or we could wait and she would probably die from all of the poison in her body. We chose to let them operate and she by some miracle survived it. She was in a drug induced coma for 9 days in intensive care. We could see her for about 30 minutes a day. It was really horrible. She didnt look anything like herself (she was swelled to literally ten times her normal size) and it was hard to take. Anyway, after they brought her out of her coma and took her off the machine that breathed for her, she was in intensive care for about another 10 days. They moved her to a regular hospital room after that and she acted like a complete ass. She refused to eat or take her medication or do anything they said she needed to do. Finally her insurance for there ran out and they moved her to a rehab center. She had been bedridden for so long that she could no longer walk or go to the bathroom herself, etc. She was being so lazy and stubborn that she even had a fit when they took her cathater out, because she would have to try and get up to go to the bathroom by herself. She was in rehab for 21 days and now she is home. I am her sole caretaker. Any of you who know me know that she and I do not like each other nor do we get along. And themost frustrating part is that every one of these health problems were due to things she could have controlled, but chose not to.

As an aside, she was truly horrible to me the entire time she was in the hospital even going so far as to telling the doctor that she did not want me on her living will because she knew I would kill her.

My brother was supposed to be coming here every other weekend to relieve me but it has not happened that way. He has been here one time since she came home the beginning of february. I have had to give up everything. I didnt get to start school. I have lost my job. My poor kids are stuck here all day with me and her. She cant be left alone for more than an hour or so. She doesnt do ANY of her physical therapy but instead lays in her bed and bitches incessently. One would think that almost dying would change your outlook on life and make you appreciate things more, but it seems to have made her even more of a victim than she was. I am so tired of biting my tongue and gritting my teeth. I have been honest with her and told her that she has about six months. That is how long the dr told her it would take her to recover. she is never going to recover if she doesnt try...and she isnt trying at all. So I am giving her a time limit. I dont know what else to do. I cant let her take away the rest of my life. I am down to my last bit of patience and I cannot afford not to work much longer.

I really dont mean this to sound like a pity party. It is just the truth of why I seem to have disappeared. When it rains it pours I guess and I have been so busy treading water that I havent had even the time to explain why.

I love my friends and family and I miss you guys. I dont know what else to say.
I wonder if anyone still reads here. *dusting off my old friend*

Friday, November 11

Those of you who know Me know how much I adore cuttings and knife play. Enough said. ::sweet smiles::

Thursday, November 3

When The Wind Is Low - Cale Young Rice

When the wind is low, and sea is soft,
and the far heart-lightening plays
On the rim of the west where the dark clouds nest
On a darker bank of haze;
When I lean o'er the rail with you that I love
And gaze to My heart's content;
I know that the heaven's are there above -
but you are My firmament.

When the phosphor stars are thrown from the bow
And the watch climbs up the shroud;
When the dim mast dips as the vessel slips
Through the foam that seethes aloud;
I know that the years of our life are few,
and fain as a bird to flee,
That time is as brief as a drop of dew -
But you are eternity.

::smiles:: blanket....balcony....soft sighs....long sweet kisses....

Sunday, October 30

Soft Whisperings

How much would you give to Me, My slave?

everything, My Mistress, without hesitation.

Wednesday, October 26


I think "please" may be the most inspiring word I have ever heard.

Tuesday, October 25

Rules and Rituals

These are two things so important to Me in this lifestyle. That constant connection lying quietly curled in your heart while you make your way through the vanilla world. That little jolt that sparks between you when you are submerged in day to day tedium and a flicker of darkness passes between you.

Some things are simple. "Mistress, what may I have to drink?"

Some things harder. "Shall I sit at your feet or at your side, Mistress?"

Asking if an outfit meets with Her approval or begging permission to sleep on Her bed.

May I be excused to go to the restroom? or Please, Mistress, may i cum?

Bringing her a drink or begging Her to fill your puppy bowl.

Asking permission to touch Her or offering Her your very life.

Soft and Hard.

Hot and Cold.

Sweet and Mean.

Kisses and Tears.

What's you favorite ritual or rule?


Saturday, October 22

I have been talking about and thinking about slaves versus submissives. Discussions about the difference are hardly uncommon. ::smiles:: For the purposes of this entry, I will define them as follows: a submissive has more defined limits and input in the dynamics of the relationship. A slave is more property....less rights....few limits. (No, I dont believe in slaves with absolutely no limits.)

I always thought that the idea of a slave wasnt appealing to Me. I have never liked the "Yes, Ma'am whatever you want Ma'am" type. I have always been attracted to spirited submissives. That slightly smart mouth playful attitude that can be curbed with a glance from Me. That has been the magic combination. But I have felt Myself being drawn to a darker side lately. I am getting more in touch with My inner sadist. ::smirk:: I have always defined Myself as a sweet sadist....but I have been less sweet lately. And the taste is like a vampire after the first kill....craving. But I digress.

I am redefining Myself some. It's strange because I knew who and what I was from the beginning of this lifestyle and I havent ever really waivered much. I am a very affectionate person in most aspects of My life. I am a touchy feely type, I guess you would call it. If I am talking to a friend I will touch their arm or squeeze their hand. I hug all my friends when I see them somewhere. And My style of Domination is no different. I speak softly and sprinkle caresses in with vicious welts. My roughness is coming out more and more lately...spurred on by whimpering glassy eyed bois. Whips biting harder. Knives dragging pretty lines across skin. Wax seering delicate skin. All these affect My breathing more and harden My voice to an icy edge.

See? I want to hurt someone even as we speak.

I think My definition is shifting. I want someone between a slave and a submissive. I want to flow back and forth between that space. Mistresses have that right to want it all, right?