Lair of a Dark Rebel Siren

2006-03-12T09:57:00.000-08:00

Well.... I am just gonna write it all here. I just dont have the energy these days to explain everything over and over.

My life is fucking mess. It is beyond my control but that doesnt make it any easier to swallow.

The last week of November my mother wasnt feeling well and I took her to the doctor. They admitted her immediately because her blood sugar was incredibly high. She was in the hospital for week while they were doing tests and things. She kept complaining of stomach pain so they finally did a scan of her belly and foudn that she had a huge blockage in her colon. After doing a colonoscopy, they discovered it was cancer. The problem was that they needed to operate and remove the blockage, but she was in such bad health that her body wasnt well enough to withstand the surgery. So they spent the next week trying to bring her to the level where they could at least relatively safely operate. Before they could do that her colon ruptured and she coded out....meaning she almost died. They brought her back and put her in intensive care. They had my brother and I make the decision on what to do. We could either let them operate knowing that she more than likely would not survive or we could wait and she would probably die from all of the poison in her body. We chose to let them operate and she by some miracle survived it. She was in a drug induced coma for 9 days in intensive care. We could see her for about 30 minutes a day. It was really horrible. She didnt look anything like herself (she was swelled to literally ten times her normal size) and it was hard to take. Anyway, after they brought her out of her coma and took her off the machine that breathed for her, she was in intensive care for about another 10 days. They moved her to a regular hospital room after that and she acted like a complete ass. She refused to eat or take her medication or do anything they said she needed to do. Finally her insurance for there ran out and they moved her to a rehab center. She had been bedridden for so long that she could no longer walk or go to the bathroom herself, etc. She was being so lazy and stubborn that she even had a fit when they took her cathater out, because she would have to try and get up to go to the bathroom by herself. She was in rehab for 21 days and now she is home. I am her sole caretaker. Any of you who know me know that she and I do not like each other nor do we get along. And themost frustrating part is that every one of these health problems were due to things she could have controlled, but chose not to.

As an aside, she was truly horrible to me the entire time she was in the hospital even going so far as to telling the doctor that she did not want me on her living will because she knew I would kill her.

My brother was supposed to be coming here every other weekend to relieve me but it has not happened that way. He has been here one time since she came home the beginning of february. I have had to give up everything. I didnt get to start school. I have lost my job. My poor kids are stuck here all day with me and her. She cant be left alone for more than an hour or so. She doesnt do ANY of her physical therapy but instead lays in her bed and bitches incessently. One would think that almost dying would change your outlook on life and make you appreciate things more, but it seems to have made her even more of a victim than she was. I am so tired of biting my tongue and gritting my teeth. I have been honest with her and told her that she has about six months. That is how long the dr told her it would take her to recover. she is never going to recover if she doesnt try...and she isnt trying at all. So I am giving her a time limit. I dont know what else to do. I cant let her take away the rest of my life. I am down to my last bit of patience and I cannot afford not to work much longer.

I really dont mean this to sound like a pity party. It is just the truth of why I seem to have disappeared. When it rains it pours I guess and I have been so busy treading water that I havent had even the time to explain why.

I love my friends and family and I miss you guys. I dont know what else to say.

2006-03-12T09:47:00.000-08:00

I wonder if anyone still reads here. *dusting off my old friend*

2005-11-11T16:45:00.000-08:00

Those of you who know Me know how much I adore cuttings and knife play. Enough said. ::sweet smiles::

2005-11-03T06:35:00.000-08:00

When The Wind Is Low - Cale Young Rice

When the wind is low, and sea is soft,
and the far heart-lightening plays
On the rim of the west where the dark clouds nest
On a darker bank of haze;
When I lean o'er the rail with you that I love
And gaze to My heart's content;
I know that the heaven's are there above -
but you are My firmament.

When the phosphor stars are thrown from the bow
And the watch climbs up the shroud;
When the dim mast dips as the vessel slips
Through the foam that seethes aloud;
I know that the years of our life are few,
and fain as a bird to flee,
That time is as brief as a drop of dew -
But you are eternity.

::smiles:: blanket....balcony....soft sighs....long sweet kisses....

2005-10-30T06:50:00.000-08:00

Soft Whisperings

How much would you give to Me, My slave?

everything, My Mistress, without hesitation.

2005-10-26T07:56:00.000-07:00

twisting
twining
grinding
fucking
kissing
licking
loving
panting
moaning
pleading
hurting
trembling
begging

I think "please" may be the most inspiring word I have ever heard.

2005-10-25T06:13:00.000-07:00

Rules and Rituals

These are two things so important to Me in this lifestyle. That constant connection lying quietly curled in your heart while you make your way through the vanilla world. That little jolt that sparks between you when you are submerged in day to day tedium and a flicker of darkness passes between you.

Some things are simple. "Mistress, what may I have to drink?"

Some things harder. "Shall I sit at your feet or at your side, Mistress?"

Asking if an outfit meets with Her approval or begging permission to sleep on Her bed.

May I be excused to go to the restroom? or Please, Mistress, may i cum?

Bringing her a drink or begging Her to fill your puppy bowl.

Asking permission to touch Her or offering Her your very life.

Soft and Hard.

Hot and Cold.

Sweet and Mean.

Kisses and Tears.

What's you favorite ritual or rule?

Siren

2005-10-22T08:15:00.000-07:00

I have been talking about and thinking about slaves versus submissives. Discussions about the difference are hardly uncommon. ::smiles:: For the purposes of this entry, I will define them as follows: a submissive has more defined limits and input in the dynamics of the relationship. A slave is more property....less rights....few limits. (No, I dont believe in slaves with absolutely no limits.)

I always thought that the idea of a slave wasnt appealing to Me. I have never liked the "Yes, Ma'am whatever you want Ma'am" type. I have always been attracted to spirited submissives. That slightly smart mouth playful attitude that can be curbed with a glance from Me. That has been the magic combination. But I have felt Myself being drawn to a darker side lately. I am getting more in touch with My inner sadist. ::smirk:: I have always defined Myself as a sweet sadist....but I have been less sweet lately. And the taste is like a vampire after the first kill....craving. But I digress.

I am redefining Myself some. It's strange because I knew who and what I was from the beginning of this lifestyle and I havent ever really waivered much. I am a very affectionate person in most aspects of My life. I am a touchy feely type, I guess you would call it. If I am talking to a friend I will touch their arm or squeeze their hand. I hug all my friends when I see them somewhere. And My style of Domination is no different. I speak softly and sprinkle caresses in with vicious welts. My roughness is coming out more and more lately...spurred on by whimpering glassy eyed bois. Whips biting harder. Knives dragging pretty lines across skin. Wax seering delicate skin. All these affect My breathing more and harden My voice to an icy edge.

See? I want to hurt someone even as we speak.

I think My definition is shifting. I want someone between a slave and a submissive. I want to flow back and forth between that space. Mistresses have that right to want it all, right?

Siren

2005-10-19T07:00:00.000-07:00

"scratching and crawling across the floor just to touch you..."

That's from a Melissa Etheridge song.

"I wanted to run but you made me crawl.... the sweetest thing."

That's U2.

"I'd be down on my knees...making you stay...I'd be begging and pleading with you..."

Country music....Tricia Yearwood

I live very openly. Mine address Me as Ma'am and respond with Yes, Ma'am or No, Ma'am in public the same as in private. The same basic rules of communication and respect apply no matter where we are. I have long since gotten over the stares or quizzical looks that I receive when I ask a question of Mine ....who appears to be another "normal" adult (smirk) .....in the vanilla setting and hear "Yes Ma'am". I am unphased and respond as Mom when hearing "Mommy look!" when My darling fully grown innerkid accidentally pops out in public when My lil boi or ik daughter sees something that is irresistable.

I wonder when I hear what appears to be innocent lines in songs what makes us different from vanilla. Why would seeing My boi kneel before Me or kiss My boots horrify them but hearing someone croon about "begging you not to go" tugs their heart strings? Vanilla beans, as My good friend calls them, seem to draw the line at pride. It is ok to crawl, beg, worship, serve....once every other alternative has been exhausted. What a shame that they let that keep them from being so raw with their love.

It makes Me remember, as I do daily, why adore and this lifestyle and particularly why I adore submissives. They channel that pride into serving. They put aside selfish needs. The have no room for thinking of how they may appear to someone else. It is about real and raw and need.

Siren

2005-10-14T19:19:00.000-07:00

Some days all My fantasies are sweet.

I am not thinking of fucking you hard against the floor. I am thinking of kissing every bruise from the night before. I am thinking of nipping you sweetly and making you sigh. I am thinking about whispering to you about what a good little boi you are and watching you moan and double your efforts for Me. I am thinking of sitting with My tea and gazing out the window with you at My feet. I am watching you in My mind and fanning the romantic flames that lick up My thigh gently into My soul.

2005-10-13T06:59:00.000-07:00

Some days all My fantasies are rough.

I am not thinking of softly kissing you in the rain. I am thinking of pushing you face first into the wall and marking your back with My nails. I am thinking of snapping My fingers and watching you lick My boots. I am thinking about whispering to you about what a desperate little slut you are and watching you moan and double your efforts for Me. I am thinking of walking slow circles around you and watching every click of My heels climb up your spine. I am watching you in My mind and fanning the sadistic flames that lick up My dungeon walls.

2005-10-12T18:58:00.000-07:00

Things have changed.

I just read that over and over.

Things have changed.

My boi and I are no longer us.

We are seperate once again as when we met.

It feels strange.

I dont want to talk about it anymore.

Everyone wants to hear.

2005-10-02T10:44:00.000-07:00

Texas storm.

2005-10-02T10:40:00.000-07:00

Dont you think it is strange how life can go from tears to smiles in the span of twelve hours?

2005-09-14T06:43:00.000-07:00

You know how sometimes you wonder about things and then life dumps something right on your doorstep.

Last night was such a night for Me. I am huge fan of fate anyway so when she does Me the pleasure of reminding Me that it is "not for naught", I am floating for days.

Here are some elements you need to understand before you can comprehend why this was such a moving event. I have a little Maltese puppy named Max. He's the best dog ever. I live in a neighborhood that does not approve of My wife and I living here because we are openly gay. Not one person has ever even introduced themselves and we have lived here over a year. I have recently become extremely fed up with all the Bible thumpers around here going on and on and on about Hurricane Katrina and thinking the way to help these people is to preach to them to have faith instead of giving them some food or clothing.

Those are the main points.

So, last night around 830pm I let my dog out as I do every night for his final preparations of the night. He immediately took off running and disappeared. He never does this. I was calling for him and couldnt find him. I walked up and down the street a little bit but I didnt want to leave my sleeping children alone, so I came back inside. I was chatting with the boi online as she was at work and telling her that I could not believe he had run off. About twenty minutes later, I hear a knock at my door. This is odd because no one ever really comes over to my house uninvited and I dont know anyone from the neighborhood. So I say through the door, "Who is it?"

I hear a voice that says, "My name is Wayne and I am staying with the Johnsons a couple of doors down. They are my cousins."

I am thinking, "I have no idea who you are talking about and why should this warrant me
opening my door?" But on the outside I say, " Uh huh."

"Do you have a little white maltese?"

I open the door as fast as I can and see my little Max safe and sound in this man's arms licking his hand. "Max!"

To make a long story short, Max had run into this man's cousin's backyard where he is staying along with his 7 miniature dogs....everything from Maltese to Shitzu. He is here because he is from New Orleans. He and his husband of 14 years lost their five bedroom Colonial home that they had just finished renevating less than two months ago. They did not have flood insurance as every older person who lived in the neighborhood assured them that it had never flooded. It is now under 20 feet of water. They have one friend who was like a brother to them that has still not been found. He relayed his story to me with tears and laughter. I responded with the same. We stood outside in the Alabama summery night and bonded. It was real. It wasnt the news or some church group knocking on my door. This was a real person who kept stumbling over refferring to himself as "homeless" as if he couldnt quite make himself believe it. He was thrilled to have information on the "gay scene" as small as it is here. This isnt something they mention to you at the aid stations. I invited him to the cookout we are having Saturday and to go out with the boi and I Saturday night.

I hope he comes.

Siren

2005-09-05T10:36:00.000-07:00

I got this cute quiz from one of my regular reads Awful Goodness.

I realize the irony of my results. ::chuckles::

2005-09-05T09:22:00.000-07:00

The boi has a punishment tonight.

It is not going to be sweet and pleasant. It isnt going to be a long lecture and slow languid spanking. It is going to be the purging "do NOT hold back" kind of experience. She is sitting over there on the couch right now watching a CSI marathon and zoning. I am sitting over here planning what exactly is in store for her tonight. I am thinking about every detail. I am running through each step from lighting to implements. I want to be sure that it starts with sharpness that grabs her attention the same sharp way it gets her attention when I gently take her upper arm and lead her to the bedroom. One perfect smack...perfectly placed that brings that cringe and whimper that begins the letting go.

Then moving into the steady swats that lower her little by little into herself. Into this part she goes willingly. This is the easy part. This is the floating kind of sinking into Mistress' control part. Increasing intensity of the swats will bring the slight panic and struggle. The realness of loss of control. Implements changing and sometimes two different sensations coming in from each side crescendo into the uncontrollable urge to fight the rising emotions....to not be exposed. The urge crawl back into the hiding place where the darkness has built up and push mightly against the door to keep it from pouring out.

Harder. Harder. Whispers. Orders. Control. Harder. Reassure. More. Let go. Harder. Hanging on barely to the edge.

Then sinking hard and fast. This is not the sinking floating. This is just beyond that. Pulling that door open and letting it wash over her? No. Wash over us. Not alone anymore. Down. Harder. Marking. Harder. Mine. Not theirs anymore. Harder.

Over the edge. Past the fast hard fall. Landing softly against Mistress' breast. Nuzzling. Hiding. Making sure. Safe. Loved. Forgiven. Babied. Protected. Cherished. Owned.

2005-08-29T07:29:00.000-07:00

::coughing on all the dust on my blog::

My computer was in the shop and then I got it back and then it was back there again. Ugh.

We had a really nice weekend. It was a munch weekend and it was on boot worship. Man...I have rarely seen such a sensual, moving demo. You could have heard a pin drop for the twenty minutes or so that we just watched and learned. I am already a huge fan of boot worship but it changed some minds of people who were not so inclined.

One thing we talked about a good bit was the difference between boot worship as an act of devotion, love, respect and humiliation play with boots. Boot worship is a rare time where the Top sits back and relaxes and lets the submissive do all the work. As a rule the Top is usually the one orchestrating the scene. A Top can still give orders or gentle encouragement, but for the most part, the bottom is doing the work. As our demonstrators so eloquently pointed out.... it is a very passive act.

In the FemDom scene in particular there is a lot of humiliation play done involving boots. We all can get a mental picture of a wickedly beautiful woman in pitch black thigh high heeled boots wielding a whip and ordering her lowly boy to kiss her boots. Or you can see her fucking his mouth slowly with the heel and kicking him back when she tires of it. This is mostly humiliation play. Now, dont get me wrong. I love humiliation play too, but there is a huge difference between that and boot worship.

We went back to our friend's house after the meeting and talked until about midnight. We talked a great deal about the demo that we are doing together next month about ageplay. Axel will be talking about it more in the role play sense and I will be talking about the more therapeutic re-parenting aspect. It should be interesting. His girl has an innerchild who is about 5 and My boi's littlest one will be helping with the demo. We have decided to make it private and just let the little ones play as we talk. I think the boi is rather nervous but I am really proud of hir for being brave enough to share such a personal part of us. And honored as always at her rarely waivering trust of me keeping hir safe.

We haven't had much time to play lately. Pout pout. It has been so hectic. We have to remedy that soon. I can see her beginning to have the cravings that get her sweet ass in trouble. Plus, I owe her a punishment from Saturday before we had to leave for our meeting. No, boi, I didnt forget.

I want to write more but I really cant think of anything interesting to yak about. :) I need to write a bunch of ideas down and pull them out of a hat. Who wants to put the first slip in?

Siren

2005-08-17T07:32:00.000-07:00

When I met My boi she was a sweet little vanilla thing with no idea that such perversions as BDSM even really existed. I make it a policy to be very up front about that part of Me as soon as I see that there is any potential in a relationship. So, after a few dates with her and at the rate that lesbian relationships progress ::grins:: it wasnt long before we had this conversation:

Me: I am not going to be able to go out until after 10 on Saturday night.

Boi: Oh, that's cool. ::insert lots of fidgeting and trying to hold back from asking any questions::

Me: ::arching My brow with a smile:: Would you like to know why?

Boi: ::eyes darting up to look at Me....guaging exactly how "uncool" it would make her to say yes...then with a shrug:: If you wanna tell me.

Me: ::smirk:: I guess it isnt really important anyway.

Boi: Well, I mean if you want to tell me, I want to know, but it isnt like you have to tell me or anything cause like you arent my girlfriend or anything and you know you dont have to tell me but I will listen if you want to or something....

Me: ::trying not to die laughing because she is so adorable when she gets nervous....her dimples peeking here and there as she clenches and unclenches her jaw:: Well, I am going to a meeting. ::leaning back a bit to watch how my next statement affects those dimples:: It is called a munch. It is a BDSM meeting. ::seeing by the look on her face she has no idea what I am talking about:: I am a Dominatrix. ::knowing that term is familiar to most people::

Boi: ::cheeks burning the cutest shade of crimson:: Really? ::she clears her throat:: Hmmmmmmm....well....you mean you hit people for money or just for fun or something?

Me: ::chuckling:: well, not exactly. I dont get paid and there is a lot more to it than that.

Boi: Oh. ::about to squirm and fidget off her chair by this point:: Well, just so you know, I am not into that shit. Is that ok?

Me: Sure, just as long as you know I am... so I will be playing with people. It doesnt mean I would have sex with them or anything but I have been a Domme since I was 18 years old and I would never want to give it up.

Boi: Ok, that's cool. ::body language saying it clearly is not cool since we are simply pretending by this point in our relationship that we dont have a commitment::

Me: If you ever want to come to a meeting or anything to see what is about... I will take you.

Boi: Yeah....um...no thanks.

Cut to about 2 weeks later when she comes back to Me with this.

Boi: Um, I wanted to ask you something.

Me: Yes?

Boi: I was going to see if you would take me to one of those meetings, but I have to ask you something first.

Me: Ok. Go ahead.

Boi: Um....well....I have been looking on the internet for some things about BDSM and... well, you see....there was this lady...and there were these long wooden canes things and ....well...there was some blood and well, you could get a Columbian hooker to come to your room for $15.

Me: Oh lord.

And thus began My baby's adventures in BDSM. I swear that is all absolutely true and accurate. I couldnt make this shit up if I tried.

Siren

2005-08-16T21:27:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I am so fucking weird. I have been thinking all day about getting a new refrigerator. And I keep seeing Myself with this big shiny new fridge. You know, the kind you always see on the "after" shots of a redone kitchen on those makeover shows. The big stainless steel....huge freezer....crushed ice in the door ones. And I keep thinking....if I had a fridge like that, I would get up in the middle of the night to get water or something and just feel like a stranger in that kitchen. And I would wonder why I bought such a pompous refrigerator. Then I think to myself.....it's just a glass of water for goddess' sake....go back to bed.

I am supposed to get my laptop back on Thursday. I hope it curbs My creative thinking. ::smirk::

2005-08-15T10:53:00.000-07:00

My laptop died...again. I swear that damn thing has nine lives. This time it was the monitor that checked out on Me. It is currently in the shop and I am now wondering how I ever tolerated this dinosaur called desktop.

I had a really lovely weekend. The boi and I went out to our favorite club on Friday and watched an incredible drag queen. There were just a few people there but the energy was awesome and we knew them all so it was actually more fun than most of the crowded nights we have been. I was unwillingly dragged into a conversation about which drag queens shave their pubic hair before applying duct tape to their balls and which ones like the pain of ripping it off. Our munches are held at the same bar we frequent so some of the staff that have seen us in attendence love to ask us questions and tell us how kinky they are. Lordy.

Saturday we had a lovely dinner party. You have seen me mention our friends Axel and april before. We invited them over and we always have the best time. We never run out of things to talk about and we laugh a ton. I was sitting at the table sometime between dinner and dessert and realized how very integrated BDSM is in My life. As I looked over the tablescape (goddess, I watch too much Food network), I saw among the half cleared dishes a pretty little new toy I had acquired at the grocery store called a plantain press. Have you seen one of these? Hello, CBT and breast play. Hee hee. And for the bargain basement price of only $4.50. Anyway, beside that was a bamboo tomato stake from a bag that I had recently gotten for actual tomato plants..imagine that... and Axel and I were debating whether they were durable or not since bamboo splinters when it breaks. While he and I are discussing that and the strawberry cheesecake and chocolate cake were being served, I send the boi back to get the Sharps container that we had picked up for our friends so that Axel wont hurt himself on his discarded razor blades when he makes his whips. So, now you would think it was a kinky as it could be for dinner for goodness sakes, but wait there's more. My darling creative boi had discovered a discarded roll of some sort of rubber type material at work and had picked it up knowing how talented Axel is in his toy making. So in the pile of things we have now accumulated (including chocolate cake, testicle crushers and paddles), the boi and Axel roll out this material to find that it is actually extremely good quality neoprin? (not sure about that one) rubber. He says he can make some lovely and rather painful floggers out of it. Yum!

After dinner convo included a boot worship demo that our friends are doing this month at the munch and different approaches as well as the funniest scenes we have ever witnessed. I think the prize there went to april who actually witnessed a person fall asleep on a St Andrews cross while being flogged. lol We all went out to the club after and generally had an awesome time. :)

Speaking of demos, I think I have suddenly gone from no demos to doing a demo in September on role playing/age play, January on CBT and February on chastity training. :) It is gonna be an interesting year.

Siren

2005-08-08T23:37:00.000-07:00

Why is it that some words rattle something deep in Me? Why do certain every day seemingly innocent actions make Me want to pounce like a cat on a butterfly?

They cause a low growl in my throat and a sweet hot glow in My stomach and below.

please
Mistress
yours
let me
The toy

Any whimpers or pleading sounds.
Biting the bottom lip.
Blushing.
Shallow breathing almost indetectable.
Trembling.
Puppy nuzzling.
Stammering.

2005-08-02T17:10:00.000-07:00

My stint as a rock star was....

not as glamorous as one may think.

How did it come to be? As a joke, one of my friends was thumbing through the Cosmopolitan magazine "All About Men" yearly issue. Do you know the one I mean? Where once a year they pick 50 bachelors...one from each state and make a magazine where women can write the oh so eligible hand picked cream of the crop men? Anyway, as a joke, my friend sent one of these guys my picture and a letter about how awesome I am. He responded and I explained to him that I was flattered but I had not given consent for my friend to send the letter. A very polite thanks but no thanks... It was just too weird for me to think about...especially since I am a lesbian. lol

Through common weirdness, I guess, we kept corresponding and he was a great guy. He had a very successful country rock band up there. They played all over the area including NYC. After we had talked for a while, he asked me to come visit him. I was just quitting one job and had 2 weeks free before I had to start my new one. Soooooooooooooo, you guessed it. I spent my whole paycheck and went to visit him in Connecticut. And I, well, I just stayed there. I didnt come back. I tossed my return ticket into the wind on the beach. I liked him and I loved the area and his band, so I stayed. Ahhh, youth and no responsibility. I drank life up every second that I could.

I got an amazing day job up there and managed his band at night. I lived in a tiny apartment with a balcony (a major perk in that area) All of that translated into tons of fun and no sleep. It was great. I did it for four years and it was a life changing experience for sure. I dont regret a second of it.

After those four years, I decided I wanted to come home to the South. I missed it and I got tired of people wanting to fist fight over a parking place. I lived in Stamford and it was getting to be like a burrough of NYC. It really broke his heart when I wanted to leave. That surprised me, but it was touching. I later got a copy of his new CD (written after I had left and obviously about me because they were all about Alabama) in the mail. It had several heartbreak songs on it about me. It made me cry. It was so sweet. I never loved him. Not the kind of love that inspires heartbreak songs, but I am glad he loved me that way because those songs are more to him than I could ever be. And the really funny part...the whole dedication was to his new girlfriend. lol

As an aside, and this is the absolute funniest part...Cosmo magazine called Chris (that was the hot rock star guy) the year after he had been in Cosmo to see if he had found someone. He said "yes" even though we werent exclusively dating or anything. I think he was just hoping they would mention his band in Cosmo. Cosmo flew us to NYC and did a huge photo shoot of us with elaborate make up artists and stylists, etc. and an article about how we had met through the magazine. It was a huge half page photo and the article title was....get ready...He Gets Misti. (Misti is my real name.) I guess I can say that I have appeared on the pages of Cosmo. lol Fancy, huh? My mom had about 20 copies of it. Bless her heart.

Siren

2005-08-01T07:55:00.000-07:00

One of the best parts of being a Domme is giving your submissive two choices that you know make them want to hide and watching them have to choose one anyway.

2005-07-28T07:22:00.000-07:00

Expansion

Here is a comment I made in Jake's blog in response to his subject about all around touchy subjects in the BDSM world and his request that people respond and list their fetishes they arent proud of. (See link to his blog at the side.)

My comment

"Ageplay. It isnt one that is secret or that I am not proud of but also not something I bring up a lot because I often dont have the energy to explain that I dont mean a grown up dressed up in a school girl skirt...not that I dont like school girls skirts. ::grin:: Re-parenting. You think ageplay raises a brow. Throw at that term at your next munch."

There is a difference to me in ageplay and re-parenting. Ageplay can include anything from dressing up in "younger clothes" to walking around sucking a lollipop and twirling pigtails to wearing diapers and sucking a pacifier. It is a headspace that turns some people on. I am not necessarily one of those people. The "ageplay" I am referring to when I use that term (which I rarely do) is re-parenting.

Anyone who has read my blog knows that I have a little girl who regularly comments here. Her blog is linked to mine. My little girl is a 33 year old woman. Her Big part is one of my very best friends. And her little part is my daughter in every sense of the word. There is no sexuality at in our relationship. It isnt about sex. It is about guidance and acceptance and unconditional love. I love her as if she were my biological child. I am there for her as a mother would be. I see her inner child when I look at her as clearly and easily as you would see her beautiful red hair when you look at her.

I live with My boi who you have heard mentioned a few times here. She has two inner children. I am Mom to both of them. Our day to day life is an endless shift and balance and dance we have created between mother and Mistress. It makes us happy.

Now, why would I want to be a "mom" to an adult person? It is quite simple actually. I get out of the relationship what any parent gets out of a parent/child relationship. I love them. It is fulfilling. They are wonderful.

Why would they feel the need to have an inner child who is so real that it is almost a seperate part of them? Lots of reasons. Some people had a very hard childhood. They were abused, neglected, or emotionally ripped apart. They want a second chance. It is theraputic. It is a healing process. It is learning what they didnt learn the first time around for whatever their reason. Everyone has their own reasons for doing it, much like in the "regular" BDSM world.

When I think about it, it wasnt a far reach for me to be a mother type figure. I am a very nurturing Domme. I am strict but very affectionate and caring. The parent/child relationship is power exchange in its purest form. It isnt sexual, but it is power exchange. I understand that. I get that. THAT is how I am wired. How natural it feels for me to step in and actually "re-parent" another adult. I make rules for them. I nurture them. I love them. I protect them. It's not a far cry from the dynamic of a D/s relationship save the sexual element.

I say that to perhaps make you think about how some people judge people like me. I am not a pedophile. I am not interested sexually in biological children. I am not interested in pretending that someone is a biological child, so that I can get off on that. It is an adult consensual relationship that isnt too far away from something like yours.

Siren

2005-07-22T08:57:00.000-07:00

Here kitty kitty....

Pretty.....

2005-07-21T17:51:00.000-07:00

So I said earlier I was gonna do some research on puppy play. And I did. :) There was a lot of junk information. And I found a few good things.

Here's a very generic definition of puppy play in case you don't know what it is.

Puppy Play: Sub is made to act like a puppy. Sub barks, whines, eats from a bowl, etc. Such play is almost never sexual, but rather focuses on the altered mind-space of bottom/pup.

That's a good definition of "what" puppy play is...and here was my favorite definition of "why" people might participate. I highlighted what the "Why" for me is.

"The reasons for playing such a character or animal can vary as much as the actual physical manifestations and intensity of the play. Some people enjoy being able to "cut loose" into a more dynamic personality (see Were-creatures and the aforementioned Catwoman movie). In some cases, pet play is seen as a loving, quiet cuddling time where there is no need for verbalizations and the simple act of stroking, rubbing and holding the other partner is satisfying or reassuring in and of itself for those involved. For others, there may be a spiritual side to it. Some feel closer to their animal totem, while others may identify with something akin to a deeper side or part of their own psyche. For still others, there is the experience of power exchange setup in a context or structure which they can accept. Clearly, again, it depends on the people involved and what they bring to it or take from it. "

That whole set of webpages were pretty good.

I am so going to experiment with this. I thought my curiosity was piqued before, but now...... ::delightfully evil smile:: .

::whistling:: Here boi....come on.... ::wicked grin::

2005-07-21T12:11:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I promised a better description of my long talk with Jake...but I have changed my mind. It's good to be the Mistress. It was so cool and much of it was just the personal connection we had. I dont want to try and boil it down and minimize how special it was. A few highlights of things I learned about the bullet boy....

He's very sweet.
He's even more intelligent than I thought.
He's a major smart ass.
I like that.
He makes very cute blushy noises.
He also makes very cute squirmy noises.
He's attentive.
He picks up quickly.
He's a challenge.

In other news....I got a new puppy. A real one. ::wicked grin:: He's so cute and perfect for a Mistress. He is a Maltese...perfect soft and white and somewhat sub. Everytime I talk to him he does this little stretch thing that looks just like a bow. It's so cute. I love him. :)

On a semi related note...I have really been exploring the idea of puppy play lately. I am a very "hands on" kind of person anyway. I pet a lot and I touch a lot. And I love submissives on their hands and knees. So, what is a more perfect combination? ::smiles:: I know I have seen the boi's eyes light up a little when I have mentioned it. I am gonna do some more research on that.

The boi and I had a very lovely evening last night. ::wicked smile:: She was so good all day yesterday. She did her chores and the yard work and was generally extremely well behaved. She even did a few extra things just for points. ::grin:: We went to bed and I gave her ten minutes to get a shower and get into bed. We moved quickly into more compromising positions which mostly involved Me marking her with My evil stick while she was doing the things she does so so well. ::smirk:: Now she has tender welts and cuts to take with her to work. I love thinking of her wincing when her shirt moves across her skin. yummmy

It is going to be 110 degrees here to day with the heat index. :;pant pant:: I am not going outside again today.

Siren

2005-07-19T07:03:00.000-07:00

I cannot believe you tagged me, you little devil. OK, here goes.

My boi...even though no blog here :) : Seduces Me

My Princess: 26 Cents

My Sparrow: Real Live Woman - Trisha Yearwood

Two for Jake: Mysterious Ways AND Do You Know The Muffin Man ::sweet smile::

Last night was awesome. I dont have time to do it justice, but it was awesome. I will write about it when I am not running off to run boring errands.

More later....

2005-07-18T14:04:00.000-07:00

Today was a long day for work. I had to talk to lawyers and the tax office. That should be a hard limit for anyone. Oh well, I do love edge play.

This is a poem I wrote a couple of years ago when My semi-obsession with Sirens began.

She wraps you close in black velvet wings
and sweet like a siren she softly sings
She bathes in cool moonlight... pearl white her skin glows
Midnight feathers flow silently down from her soul

She stalks purposely towards you...closer she comes
Her eyes slowly narrow...out flicks her tongue
Tasting the tension thick in the air
She tosses her tendrils of soft aunburn hair

Emerald eyes whisper, "Come to Me, boi."
One hand on your heart she says, "Be My sweet toy."
"Surrender, my pet, you want to be Mine."
Then She swift takes your soul one kiss at a time.

Sweet honey sex drips from her lips
Slow steady rhythm guides slow swaying hips
Deep crimson welts form cross your back
Then rough passioned kisses fade them to black.

I like writing. I wonder if everyone likes what they write until they post it and then they think it sucks. lol

Siren

2005-07-15T14:33:00.000-07:00

I want a dungeon.

I want a small dungeon in my house that I can padlock so no one can get in unless I let them. And I want a pewter key for it that looks like the old timey keys. I want a group of friends I trust enough to come and play sometimes. How would my dungeon look? Funny you should ask... ::grin::

My colors are crimson and black...I love them. So the walls would be black. I would want Erotic BDSM photographs and drawings on the walls....mostly black and white, I think. I want lighting mounted on the walls...sconces on dimmers and perhaps some track lighting in the ceiling that could be focused on certain parts of the room. I want the typical wall space to hang whips, floggers, quirts, etc. Then I want a big dramatic antique type piece ... something akin to a wardrobe painted pitch black and padlocked shut with my other toys in it. I want tons of candles everywhere and insense....but light scent. I want a pretty stone fountain somewhere that has fresh water that you can actually drink from and enjoy the sound. I want a small room in the corner that can be used as a cell...with a small window with bars and a cover that can be put over that so you can't see out of it if closed. I want a fireplace with a crimson velvet chaise lounge lazily placed in front of it. I want a puppy dish and bed at the foot of the chaise lounge. I want some necessary furniture. I want a spanking bench and a cross and an armless chair for OTK. I want gorgeous deep dark wood beams across the ceiling with restraints attached. I want restraints to the walls too....floor and high up on the wall. I want mirrors placed strategically everywhere.

Hmmmmmmmmm......that's all I can think of for now. ::sighing dreamily::

2005-07-12T11:47:00.000-07:00

Ever heard that expression about being careful about what you wish for? ::evil grin:: I said in my last entry that I wished the boi was home so I could mark her. Wellllllllllllll...she surprised me by getting to come home around 11 that night. I was looking at the aforementioned evil stick site when she came in so my mood had not not weakened.

I did let her get undressed and then before she could do anything else I had her kneel on her puppy pillow at the end of My bed. She was trembling before she hit her knees. It's so sweet. We have been together two years and play hard almost every time we play....but sometimes she still acts like she has never done it before...all innocence and nervousness. It makes me low growl.

I started with my purple silk flogger. This toy is heaven with a little touch of hell. It has very soft silken fall that just pools over your skin....tipped with nasty little rubber ends that sting like a wasp. It leaves delicious little welts.

I wont bore you with all the details ::grin:: but I did get a chance to use my new door prize I won at the last munch. It is a lovely flogger/singletail combination made by the same man I bragged about before. ( www.whipmaker.com ). It was divine.

After much whimpering and begging and welts and sweetness, we curled up in bed and she slept for the first time in about 48 hours. I love being a Mistress.

Rebel

2005-07-10T19:30:00.000-07:00

Well, we didn't blow away. A tree or two fell and caused some damage but overall it was just really ugly outside. I wish My boi were home. I miss her. Twenty four hours are hard enough every third day. I hate when it stretches out. Not to mention I am in a particularly feral mood. ::wicked smile:: I wanna mark her.

I had a wonderful conversation with a friend of Mine today and made his quote of the day. Yay! He is such a special guy. Smart ass and smart as hell and submissive...beautiful combination.

I also found inspiration today. Just when I was feeling so low about it. One of my creative soulmates and I were swapping stories and she is just such an incredibly gifted writer....it made me want to write again. I cant thank her enough for that. I am still on the high from it. I cant even describe her here. She's almost too overwhelming in her childlike essence for this space. She is so genuine and wide eyed and lovely and just too good for common things she's so sweet. ::smiles::

Other news....one of those same friends helped me find the evil stick site I have been trying to find again for about a year now! The boi has become somewhat of an addict and I want more toys anyway. I cant wait to explore the site again. They have new stuff.

I will write more interesting stuff tomorrow. Today was consumed with hurricanes and peanut butter crackers. Until then....

Rebel

2005-07-09T07:45:00.000-07:00

The hurricane is bearing down upon us. Gas stations are swarming with people and the roads are jammed with those coming out of Florida and heading north. They have barely recovered from the last disaster. It's hard to watch.

I need topics to write about here. Any suggestions? I could make a list and then pull one out of a hat every day. lol

How about this one? Is it odd that I am a lesbian who enjoys CBT a lot? :) Nah...I am not feeling that one today. :)

Perhaps a little story? I write FemDom erotica and poetry and occasionally some vampyre themed stuff. Well, I guess I should say I used to write FemDom Erotica. Life has stolen most of my free time and creativity lately. I am trying to make myself get creative again.

I am one of those Dommes who is more motivated by the mental power exchange than the bruises I can put on flesh. (I do like to see my handiwork the next day though ).

When I was 18, I was in a bar with my girlfriend at the time. We were back in the corner at the pool tables. I was leaning against the wall and this woman who looked to be in her 40's approaches me. She was blond and over the top pretty. Not gorgeous but just oozed sexy and confident. She looked me in the eye for a few seconds and then said, "Are you a Top?"

I had no idea what she was talking about. My girlfriend was staring across the pool table at us. I had to make a fast decision. So I said, "I dont know what you are talking about." Pretty clever, huh? Yep, she laughed too. Then she asked if she could talk to me alone for a few minutes. I agreed and we walked outside.

She looked at me with this little smile and started asking me questions that at the time I thought were bizarre. Things like.... was I always in charge in a relationship? Did I find myself in control of most situations I was in? Then they went from things like that to .. had I ever spanked someone? Had I ever had someone kiss my boots? I looked at her kind of strangely when the questions headed in that direction, but I was intrigued. I finally stopped her and asked her why she was asking me this stuff. She told me that there was a lifestyle out there called BDSM. She started telling me basic things about it and when she saw my interests perked, she told me that she was a Domme. Sooooooooooooooooo... my next question, of course, was why was she telling me all this?

She replied pretty simply, "I have been watching you most of the night and I think you are a natural Domme. I want to teach you about the lifestyle. I want to be your mentor"

I kinda stood there for a minute simultaneously thinking that this was probably the weirdest conversation I had ever had and that there was no way I could refuse this woman. I loved everything she had talked about so far. So, I asked her what that would entail. She lit a cigarette and said, "Well, we can do it one of two ways. Some people think that you have to bottom to someone to learn how to top." (Thank goddess she had already explain what those two terms meant.)

I looked at her and said," No way that is happening. What's option two?"

She laughed. "I knew you were gonna say that. Option two is to just jump in and learn from someone who knows what they are doing....namely me. I have a houseboat in Florida. Ultimate privacy. Want to come visit me for a couple of weeks?"

Ok, let me insert here that I would NEVER dream of doing something like that now, but this was 14 years ago and I was only 18. I took her card and went back inside to try and explain to my girlfriend why I had been outside with another woman I had never met for the past half hour. It didnt go well.

Anyway, long story short...I went to Lisa's houseboat the next week and stayed for two weeks. She bottomed to me (which she had never done) and taught me tons. I am lucky. Not many people learn by total submersion for two weeks. I stuck with her pretty closely for the next year or so. She was very well known in the scene and introduced me to everyone and took me everywhere. She eventually asked me to collar her which is a whole other story.

Anywho...that is how I found BDSM. I have been an out and proud addict ever since. :) I wonder whatever happened to Lisa alot. I havent seen her in years. She moved off to NY, I think, to open a Pro Domme business with a friend of ours and we lost touch. She was so awesome. :)

Rebel