Well.... I am just gonna write it all here. I just dont have the energy these days to explain everything over and over.
My life is fucking mess. It is beyond my control but that doesnt make it any easier to swallow.
The last week of November my mother wasnt feeling well and I took her to the doctor. They admitted her immediately because her blood sugar was incredibly high. She was in the hospital for week while they were doing tests and things. She kept complaining of stomach pain so they finally did a scan of her belly and foudn that she had a huge blockage in her colon. After doing a colonoscopy, they discovered it was cancer. The problem was that they needed to operate and remove the blockage, but she was in such bad health that her body wasnt well enough to withstand the surgery. So they spent the next week trying to bring her to the level where they could at least relatively safely operate. Before they could do that her colon ruptured and she coded out....meaning she almost died. They brought her back and put her in intensive care. They had my brother and I make the decision on what to do. We could either let them operate knowing that she more than likely would not survive or we could wait and she would probably die from all of the poison in her body. We chose to let them operate and she by some miracle survived it. She was in a drug induced coma for 9 days in intensive care. We could see her for about 30 minutes a day. It was really horrible. She didnt look anything like herself (she was swelled to literally ten times her normal size) and it was hard to take. Anyway, after they brought her out of her coma and took her off the machine that breathed for her, she was in intensive care for about another 10 days. They moved her to a regular hospital room after that and she acted like a complete ass. She refused to eat or take her medication or do anything they said she needed to do. Finally her insurance for there ran out and they moved her to a rehab center. She had been bedridden for so long that she could no longer walk or go to the bathroom herself, etc. She was being so lazy and stubborn that she even had a fit when they took her cathater out, because she would have to try and get up to go to the bathroom by herself. She was in rehab for 21 days and now she is home. I am her sole caretaker. Any of you who know me know that she and I do not like each other nor do we get along. And themost frustrating part is that every one of these health problems were due to things she could have controlled, but chose not to.
As an aside, she was truly horrible to me the entire time she was in the hospital even going so far as to telling the doctor that she did not want me on her living will because she knew I would kill her.
My brother was supposed to be coming here every other weekend to relieve me but it has not happened that way. He has been here one time since she came home the beginning of february. I have had to give up everything. I didnt get to start school. I have lost my job. My poor kids are stuck here all day with me and her. She cant be left alone for more than an hour or so. She doesnt do ANY of her physical therapy but instead lays in her bed and bitches incessently. One would think that almost dying would change your outlook on life and make you appreciate things more, but it seems to have made her even more of a victim than she was. I am so tired of biting my tongue and gritting my teeth. I have been honest with her and told her that she has about six months. That is how long the dr told her it would take her to recover. she is never going to recover if she doesnt try...and she isnt trying at all. So I am giving her a time limit. I dont know what else to do. I cant let her take away the rest of my life. I am down to my last bit of patience and I cannot afford not to work much longer.
I really dont mean this to sound like a pity party. It is just the truth of why I seem to have disappeared. When it rains it pours I guess and I have been so busy treading water that I havent had even the time to explain why.
I love my friends and family and I miss you guys. I dont know what else to say.
My life is fucking mess. It is beyond my control but that doesnt make it any easier to swallow.
The last week of November my mother wasnt feeling well and I took her to the doctor. They admitted her immediately because her blood sugar was incredibly high. She was in the hospital for week while they were doing tests and things. She kept complaining of stomach pain so they finally did a scan of her belly and foudn that she had a huge blockage in her colon. After doing a colonoscopy, they discovered it was cancer. The problem was that they needed to operate and remove the blockage, but she was in such bad health that her body wasnt well enough to withstand the surgery. So they spent the next week trying to bring her to the level where they could at least relatively safely operate. Before they could do that her colon ruptured and she coded out....meaning she almost died. They brought her back and put her in intensive care. They had my brother and I make the decision on what to do. We could either let them operate knowing that she more than likely would not survive or we could wait and she would probably die from all of the poison in her body. We chose to let them operate and she by some miracle survived it. She was in a drug induced coma for 9 days in intensive care. We could see her for about 30 minutes a day. It was really horrible. She didnt look anything like herself (she was swelled to literally ten times her normal size) and it was hard to take. Anyway, after they brought her out of her coma and took her off the machine that breathed for her, she was in intensive care for about another 10 days. They moved her to a regular hospital room after that and she acted like a complete ass. She refused to eat or take her medication or do anything they said she needed to do. Finally her insurance for there ran out and they moved her to a rehab center. She had been bedridden for so long that she could no longer walk or go to the bathroom herself, etc. She was being so lazy and stubborn that she even had a fit when they took her cathater out, because she would have to try and get up to go to the bathroom by herself. She was in rehab for 21 days and now she is home. I am her sole caretaker. Any of you who know me know that she and I do not like each other nor do we get along. And themost frustrating part is that every one of these health problems were due to things she could have controlled, but chose not to.
As an aside, she was truly horrible to me the entire time she was in the hospital even going so far as to telling the doctor that she did not want me on her living will because she knew I would kill her.
My brother was supposed to be coming here every other weekend to relieve me but it has not happened that way. He has been here one time since she came home the beginning of february. I have had to give up everything. I didnt get to start school. I have lost my job. My poor kids are stuck here all day with me and her. She cant be left alone for more than an hour or so. She doesnt do ANY of her physical therapy but instead lays in her bed and bitches incessently. One would think that almost dying would change your outlook on life and make you appreciate things more, but it seems to have made her even more of a victim than she was. I am so tired of biting my tongue and gritting my teeth. I have been honest with her and told her that she has about six months. That is how long the dr told her it would take her to recover. she is never going to recover if she doesnt try...and she isnt trying at all. So I am giving her a time limit. I dont know what else to do. I cant let her take away the rest of my life. I am down to my last bit of patience and I cannot afford not to work much longer.
I really dont mean this to sound like a pity party. It is just the truth of why I seem to have disappeared. When it rains it pours I guess and I have been so busy treading water that I havent had even the time to explain why.
I love my friends and family and I miss you guys. I dont know what else to say.
Siren posted at 9:57 AM
8 Comments:
I'm here if you need someone to vent to Misti... anytime... Hugssss...
Christina
*leebin yus hugs....lossa dem soos yus wills hab sum estra fors laders* i till reeds here n misses yus lik crazy. i hope sumfing anges fors da beder fors yus bery qwick.
-sammy
Well, hey Lady... how nice to see you Back in the Blog! I'm crossing off the days on my calendar so we can celebrate your upcoming freedom with some serious drinks. Meanwhile, as you grind your teeth down to dust, try to remember that you're doing the right thing, painful as that might be day by day. You'll be able to live with yourself and look yourself straight in the eye... but you'd better save some cash to crown those molars. *grins* ~Sending you my love.
hugs honey.. I will keep you in my thoughts as I always have.. I do hope things improve.. hang in there.
havocangel
Misti ... You are always in My thoughts ... My prayers ... My heart. You are doing the right thing in helping Your mother, as painful as it may seem at time, and sometimes hard love is the best You can offer.
Anything ... and I do mean ANYTHING ... that can be done, I am here ... I'll forward My cell # via email and I'll expect You to use it when You need.
*hugs for My Sister*
Miss D
I just love you guys. That's all.
When it all seems hopeless then you turn to God for help.I put my own life on hold for 2 years,visiting family and friends who were in nursing homes and hospitals,all were bed ridden and some had cancer.But my prayers were answered--They DID NOT suffer,I was so thankful to God-I decided to do something special for God that has never been done by anyone--I promote God's Ten Commandments-a subject not too many people want to talk about these days-stay strong Siren and ask God for help.
oh wow. I'm just now coming to read this. I have never stopped thinking about you, always wondering how you have been, where life has taken you. You are a strong and brave woman with an old sweet soul. I do hope there is sunlight coming your way.
Huggggles and love,
Kitty from GI..(not sure if you remember me, lol but I so much remember you..aka now kylie
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